Archive for September, 2008

A-L-U-M-I

{ September 27, 2008 @ 7:38 pm } · { Daily Life, Depressed }
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Three words: awesome but regretted !

It was a great dance ever for me. Except for the fact that I wasted the first twenty minutes because I had to wait for my dad to bring my ID card ?! UGH, they’re retarded this year, making us bring it D<

BUT I got to see the Chaboya and Creek kids again ❤ And I danced my butt off, and freaked with Amanda hella lot, like for every single song x] Maybe that’s why my legs are killing right now. Haha ! I gave and got a TON of hugs, and I have a new bestest hugger now: Andrew Phan ! But then I want to kill him cause of what he did to my poor Buddy ]: Maybe I’ll forgive him ? Just cause he’s an awesome hugger ;D

Onto other news; it was great and all, but now I sort of kind of regret it, sort of. Cause the dance made me miss my ex even more ]: And it brought back a lot of unwanted memories. But that’s my life for you; I just wish I can have amnesia. Maybe, if I forget everything, then it might be less painful ? =/

Better than most

{ September 25, 2008 @ 3:09 pm } · { Daily Life }
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092408

Yesterday was Wednesday, and school was actually pretty cool. Except for the fact that I brought my geometry book [which I totally didn’t need since we took a quiz] and I forgot my two French workbooks [which was my damn homework! D:]. Other than that it was a better block day than usual. Maybe cause it was a minimum day, and we got out at 12:55!

First period; we took a quiz, and then talked about the next lesson, boring.
Second period; went over the quiz of the week before [I got a fucking D on that], and then took a retake, I’m PRETTY sure I aced that.
Fourth period; regular French stuff, boringER.
Sixth period; we did freaking six freestyle laps, AND four breaststroke laps, tiring.
Lunch/Break; same as usual, hung out with them girls ❤

After school; Stephanie, Amanda, me, Yang, May, Tyler, Andrew, Alex, Chris, and wayy more people walked up to Walgreens. And then over to Quiznos, waiting for the guys. Haha ! Then we all walked to Chaboya, HECK yeahh! And like most of the way there, me and Stephanie were singing, and Amanda says we’re really good together !?

When we got there, I saw the eighth grade buddies ❤ LOTS of hugs and smiles exchanged. Then into the school, to visit teachers, Ms. Luo, Mr. Mcferran, and last but not least Mr. Marshall! Then, we were by the trees next to the track, eating. Well the guys and Steph were, I was just sitting with Steph.

And there was a cross country meet that day. So the kids came over and watched the guys eat the sandwich ! Then after they left to start practice, the guys started doing skateboard tricks ? It was cool I guess. I was like hecka sleepy, but I didn’t take a nap, almost though. And when Mr. M came back from the walk for the cross country practice, he took one of the guys’ skateboards and started skating ? It was hecka funny :] So everyone hung out there until the practice was over, then we started leaving.

I got bored, so I went with Alex back to his place. Dude, his house is fucking calming ! I don’t know why, it just is. And I got to see my Rikie again ! ❤ [for those of you who don’t know, it’s my stuffed raccoon I gave to Alex, haha] Well, like half an hour later, or longer, I made Alex walk me back to Chaboya, cause that’s where my dad picked me up.

And that’s mainly my day. PLENTY of laughter + LOADS of sweating + a DASH of skating + the AWESOMEST friends = 0924 ❤ We should do that more often, [:

La La Laa

{ September 24, 2008 @ 10:56 pm } · { Random }
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Stephanie, you go me addicted to singing BIG TIME! But it’s a good thing. :] And Amanda ? You’re so right, me and Steph do sound great together! Haha! We can start a singing group, maybe. But anyways, I’m currently addicted to singing, as you already know. And I just MIGHT post up videos of me singing on youtube.. MIGHT.

Singing is really fun, and I like to experiment with what I can and can’t do. So if you have any suggestions of any good songs, then tell me. Any kind of song is great, except for screamo and country. Screamo is a definite not, because I really don’t want to scream and kill my throat. Country, I don’t like too much, but if its a good one, then I’ll take it into consideration.

OH, and I’m still working on that song I’m writing. It’s not going so well right now, since I have NO inspiration at all. But I’ll finish it eventually. I’m determined! [Sort of]

Piano.. theory ?

{ September 20, 2008 @ 9:26 pm } · { Random }
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Ever since the end-ish of the summer of ’07, I started piano lessons again after what, five years ? Well, anyways, I’ve continually had lessons until a couple of weeks ago, and no offense, but my teacher SUCKED. All she freaking taught me, was how to play a song, and read the notes. I could do that in my own damn time. So, I told my parents, and now I quit piano. NOT for good though.

I’ve been wanting to learn piano theory ever since I quit, but I didn’t know how. So now, my sister is lending me her theory books, and I’m learning on my own. :] SO much better than wasting my time with my piano teacher. She’s great and all, but I didn’t learn a damn thing.

AND, my sister helped me figure out some chords or whatever for the song I’m writing. Now I think I can progress on it a little more. [Yay!] Oh, AND she wrote down the notes for the first part of “I Don’t Love you” by MCR, and now I can slowly figure out how the rest of the song goes. It’s a beautiful song, especially when you play it on the piano ! ❤

At last, at long last…

{ September 18, 2008 @ 10:49 pm } · { Depressed, Love }
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Finally, after so long. I emptied my main feelings, and I actually told him. I told him what his words and acts do to me. I told him how I want to leave this place and life. I told him it all, just summarized.

Now all that I’m waiting for, is his response, his reaction. Will he kick me out of his life entirely? Will he take me in even more? [I highly doubt that] Will I become just another regular girl to him? Will he be even more depressed than ever? Will he care, or will he ignore it? Will he hate me? Or.. Will things just stay the same like always, unchanging and dead?

Who knows the answer to that question. Only he does, and I don’t exactly think he got it yet. Probably tomorrow. We’ll see. Any result from it is fine. I can work my way around anything. And Stephanie, I think maybe you’re going to lose the bet. Because I don’t see how he could still like/love me after all this time and the stuff we’ve been through since the break-up.

I won’t be sad by how he reacts. I’ve told myself that before, but maybe this time I’ll follow it. I can’t be the perfect person at all. But I can try. I know I wasn’t born special, I’m still not special, and I will die not special. But at least I can be myself.

I just can’t stand it

{ September 16, 2008 @ 10:07 pm } · { Depressed }
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You just wouldn’t understand. He probably wouldn’t understand this either. He’s always sad, always depressed, always just the same or worse than before. I fucking hate it. Can’t he see that I can’t stand to see him like that ? Can’t he see that not everything’s his fault ? He wouldn’t understand these feelings I have, because I don’t really think he has these feelings. Or maybe he does..

He’s the only one, the only one that I’ve tried so hard to understand, to help. Usually for any kind of situation like this, I would just let go of it once it starts getting hard. I’m not the type of girl to stick to something I say. I always end up not finishing what I started. But this time, I’m trying, I’m really trying and making an effort to help, to be there. I’m not sick of it, I don’t despise it. I just want one simple solution to it all, but life doesn’t give you that, does it ? Everything has to be so goddamn fucking complicated.

Tell me: How do you reason with someone who has their own reasons for every damn thing ? How do you help someone when you have no fucking idea of where to start ? What do you do when the main thing that’s pulling you down is his unhappiness ? How do you freaking rid yourself of those doubts in your head, repeating over and over again ?

Funny thing is some of the things he’s telling me now, I’ve been through something similar. Yet, I don’t know how to help him with it. Is it even possible to help someone when you can’t help yourself ?

That bet Stephanie made me, it wasn’t a real one or anything. But I can’t help but think how I might just win it. Maybe what he’s saying is just a front, or maybe it’s all true. I can’t know, and I won’t know. Not that I really care about that right now.

I’m not planning to give up, I refuse to give up in this. But the thought of it is so tempting. I mean, it’s not as if I’m helping him much anyways. I’m just a person there, to listen to his problems. I listen, but I can’t help. I never knew that someone’s happiness can be so hard to find..

Peace of Hope,

{ September 16, 2008 @ 7:45 pm } · { Daily Life, Love, Poetry }
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Here’s the new poem ! It’s shorter than the usual, But still okay ? Tell me what you think. And, oh my gosh, I. Am. Pissed. I stayed up fucking late yesterday night finishing the essay, and it wasn’t due today because we had a freaking sub! WTHECK, I could’ve slept more last night if I knew that ! Okay, enough of my frustration, go and read the poem. [:

Peace Of Hope

In the darkness beyond,
A sort of light is seen within.
I have yet to find that place,
The truth will hide again.

This fear grips my heart,
I can’t see my own hands.
It’s tearing it shreds apart,
These worries shroud my mind.

Your anger’s flame aglow,
Misery has taken your soul.
No, this person I don’t know,
Your heart so lonely, cold.

Thousands piece of heart,
One peace of mind.
Our many pieces of being,
Someone ever so kind.

False hopes.. again ?

{ September 15, 2008 @ 7:30 pm } · { Random }
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Okay, fuck that damn essay, I just woke up from my nap, and I’m thinking that I’m going to write another post before I really start on it. BLEH.

So stuff that I’ve.. heard have got me thinking again ?? And last I checked, thinking is freaking bad for me, haha. But who cares, I think anyways. Alright, so it’s gotten me thinking, or more like hoping. And I really hope that this time, my hope won’t be freaking shattered.. AGAIN. It probably will though. And, I’m being such a pessimist right now, haha.

Hmm, so for anyone who really reads this, if you want, then answer this question for me? “Would it be better to be more hopeful, or not hope too much?” I’ve always wondered what people’s opinions are, so if I can get some, the that’d be great. :]

Now.. I shall write my fucking essay. UGH !

Whose seventeenth this time ?

{ September 15, 2008 @ 3:36 pm } · { Random }
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So, the seventeenth of September is coming up pretty fast. It’s going to be this Wednesday.. as in two days from now ! Well, me and fairy always have coincidences with that date. Don’t know why, we just do. And this time, I’m wondering whose is it.

I’m more of hoping it’s for me, because, well I don’t know. I just hope that. [I know, I’m weird. HAHA!] Well whoever it’s for, I hope it’s for the better. Because I don’t want no sh/t around here again. It’s just too sh/tty, you know what I mean ?

Oh, and while I’m here, I want a shout out, for Stephanie Nguyen ! Barely got to know you and only recently, too; BUT you’re the cooliest and bestest ! And differentest too ! I don’t know anyone else besides myself [until I met you] that fucking cusses as much as I do. It feels good to know that ? HAHA ! Loves you, dear. [:

So I think I’ll have another poem up soon. I’m getting a feeling that my inspiration will come up real fast. But it most definitely won’t hit me today, because I have a fucking essay to start & finish, and like four fucking quizzes to study for. Like wtfreak !? EW ! But yeah, I think I should get back to my homework, or more like.. my nap, and then after nap is essay & study ! Buhbye.

Christmas in.. September ?

{ September 14, 2008 @ 7:07 pm } · { Random }
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It’s not even the end of September yet, and I’m already thinking about Christmas. This Christmas probably won’t be the best one ever, but I have an idea, a surprise all planned out. And I’m hoping that it will go really well. Because if it does, it’ll be my best present to anyone ever. And I’m hoping it could be the best, for him at least.

BUT I will need a lot of help from everyone, because this present involves every person that he knows. Especially, I will need help from the Creek kids, because if they can pull off something for me, then it will be almost perfect !

So I’ll be sitting here, and continue planning all this out, and I’ll probably start all my plans at the end of October/beginning of November.

May my efforts not be all in vain. ❤

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